Today I'm happy to feature a wonderful guest blogger, Kathy Seal. She's the coauthor of Pressured Parents, Stressed-out Kids:
Dealing With Competition While Raising a Successful Child. Thanks, Kathy!

Thirty years of research has found that the more parents are involved with their children — whether toddlers or teens — the better it is for their kids. Dozens of studies have found that the more support we give our children, the happier they are and the more they achieve. High parental involvement gives kids high self-esteem and helps them feel secure and solidly connected to us.

When Clark U. psychologist Wendy Grolnick studied parents of elementary school children, for example, she found that the more involved mothers were with their children — that is, the more time they spent with their kids and the more they knew about what their children did, as well as their likes and dislikes — the better their children did on report cards and standardized achievement tests, and the fewer learning and behavior problems they had in school.

The highly involved parents weren't necessarily at home more than other parents, but when they were, they made sure to spend time with their children. They asked about their children's school day, knew which subjects they enjoyed or didn't and who their friends were.

There's only one caveat to involvement: It's wise to make sure you're respecting your child's autonomy at the same time.

But just how do you do that? There are three ways:

Take your child's point of view and acknowledge her feelings.

Say your 10-year-old isn't doing his homework. You are thinking that studying will help him get a good job, but he's reasoning, "It's going to get dark soon. I want to have some fun now. I can do my homework later."

You could take his point of view by trying to imagine, "If I were his age, what might I prefer doing right now, riding my bike outside or reading a chapter on coal production?" Then you can say, "I understand that you’re having fun. But tonight we're going to Aunt Karen's for dinner, so unfortunately, this is the only time to do your science homework." What counts is acknowledging your child's feelings. You want to convey "I'm with you."

Support your child's independent problem solving.

One of the best ways to support your child's independent problem solving is to ask questions, as I did when my son, Zach, was making a pinhole camera for the school science fair. Instead of taking him to a store to get the cardboard box he needed, I asked him, "Where could we find a big box?"

After a minute he said, "I know — behind the store where they sell refrigerators!"

"How could we make the pinhole?" I asked next. And so on.

Give your child choices.

Even a tiny degree of choice boosts a child's feelings of autonomy. Sometimes it's simply a question of your language. Studies have shown that words and phrases like have to, must, don't and I want you chill kids' feelings of autonomy. Instead, try giving limits as information, including the reasoning behind the rule. So if your child is painting, you might say, "The materials need to be kept clean so you can keep using them for a long time." (I know this wording sounds awkward. But it avoids phrases like, "I want you to" or "you must," which can lead to a power struggle.)

As my own children have gotten older, I've found that phrases like "have you considered….?" or "do you think you might want to … ?" also do the trick.

Encouraging your child's feelings of autonomy will help you stay involved without controlling him. That way you can stay close to your child without becoming one of those dreaded helicopter parents.

Last August I wrote here about helicopter parents and how so many of us don't seem to know when to back off and let our kids learn about the world and take a few lumps.

Frankly, I'm getting tired of hearing about kids who get in trouble at school and instead of also getting in trouble at home because they got in trouble at school (my own parents' approach — which seemed to work), their parents are busy marching down to the principal's office with their attorney.

Are there times when the school might get it wrong? Of course. Do we need to be supportive parents? Definitely. But doesn't it seem as if this pendulum has been swinging WAY too far in one direction for the past decade?

What are these parents so afraid of? That their kid won't get into Harvard because he doesn't have a perfect record? It seems like, for too many parents these days, if their kid is caught cheating in school, doing drugs on campus, repeatedly dressing like a hooker or drinking in the restroom, their first thought is to put up that umbrella, to pave the way to "success," to hover and to do everything but teach their child to be responsible for his or her actions.

I know of one high school that has completely given up on having a dress code because too many parents were up in arms about their kids' right to "express themselves." Some threatened legal action. (I kid you not.) So now they have 15-year-old girls running around in sexy cropped shirts with the top of their thongs hanging out, ready to be snapped by 15-year-old boys. On campus. In English class.

Nice.

Behavior has consequences out in the real world. Parents can't justify every action and smooth a kid's way in life forever, nor should they. If they try to, how does that lead to healthy, well-adjusted young adults?