Parent Talk Today

Does Your Family Follow the 90 Second Rule?

The 90 Second Rule, created by life coach Jim Fannin, is really simple: When you've been away from someone you love for more than two hours, the way you interact with them in the first 90 seconds when you see them again is critical to the relationship. So give them your full attention in a positive way.

Easy, right? But how often do we get caught up in our own thoughts and neglect those we love?

We all get busy with work concerns, phone calls, mail, kids' schedules... The list goes on. Check out this video. It's easy to see the difference 90 seconds can make.

From the Mouths of Babes...

I recently asked my Twitter buddies with young kids to share with me some of their favorite "kid quotes." When my son, Matt, was between ages 2 and about 5, I wrote down a lot of the funny or sweet things he said, and now I'm so glad I did.

This is a great keepsake, not only for parents, but for your kids to share with their kids one day. Check out these gems:

Mom to 2 year old: "Did you just pee pee on the floor?" 2-year-old: "Nope. My underpants just cried."

2 year old during prayers: "Please, God, help me get Mommy and Daddy to let me watch more T.V. Amen."

2 year during prayers, "Thank you, God, for Honey Nut Cheerios."

7 year old: "Mommy, I love you. You are pure like gold."

3 year old: Mom, how did I get into your tummy?" Mom: "Daddy helped put you there." 3 year old: Did Daddy help me get out?" Mom: "Not so much."

5 year old: "Mom, what's Heaven again?" Mom: "That's where Grandpa is with God and all the other people who have died." 5 year old: "God DIED?

5 year old: "Why is there a hole in this bench?" Mom: "What's the bench made of?" 5 year old: "Wood!" Mom: "Where do we get wood?" 5 year old: "Home Depot!"

3 year old: "Mom, thanks for marrying someone I like so much."

10 Ways to Prevent Summer Brain Drain

Kids vegging out in front of the tube too much this summer? Head on over to Montana Parent's terrific website and check out my new article, "10 Ways to Prevent Brain Drain," for expert tips on keeping your kids' brains engaged during these lazy days. (They'll have so much fun, they won't even realize their synapses are popping, I promise.) Here's a sample:

• Learn cool science tricks with the Surfing Scientist. At www.abc.net.au/science/surfingscientist/tricks.htm, Australian physics instructor (and surfer) Ruben Meerman shows kids how to amaze their friends by lifting a marble off a table by touching it only with a glass, making an ice cube necklace, turning an empty soft drink can into a twirling ballerina and much more. (Younger kids will need assistance.)

 • Have fun with grocery-store math. Visit http://printables4kids.com/grocery-cart-math to turn a trip to the grocery store into a fun learning experience. Before you head to the store, ask the kids to use the printable worksheet to estimate prices for items on your list. Once there, have your kids check out the actual price for each item. Then get those math skills working as they calculate the difference between the estimated price and the real price. (And talk about a great way to teach kids the importance of family budgeting. With the price of groceries these days, you’d think Lucky Charms would come with a real pot of gold!)

• Take younger kids to the post office. Talk with your child about “snail mail” and how it’s different from e-mail. Tell her about the Pony Express (visit the Pony Express National Museum website at www.ponyexpress.org) and the different ways mail is delivered today — by plane, train, boat, etc., suggests Don Schilling, editor of The Stamp Collecting Round Up (www.stampcollectingroundup.blogspot.com). “Let your child pick out some stamps she thinks are interesting. When you get home, write a letter together and use one of the stamps your child selected,” Schilling adds. Talk with your child about starting a stamp collection.

Want more? Click here.

A Little League Mom Rounds Third

It wasn’t all that long ago that my son, Matt, was thrilled to be wearing his first baseball glove (carefully broken in by Dad in a weeks-long ritual involving special oil, rubber bands and voo-doo, I think). Matt was beyond excited to help carry the team banner in his first Little League parade, and he couldn’t wait to get up to bat in his first t-ball game.

That little guy with the baggy baseball pants is now 12 years old,  5'7", a pretty good pitcher and running full-tilt toward his next baseball league. Time, it seems, is rushing by faster than a line drive to left field.

So it was especially poignant to open my e-mail recently and to read a note from the president of our local Little League:

"On a personal note, our fourth child will leave Little League for high school baseball next fall. For the first time in 15 years, we will not have a child playing Little League,” he wrote. “The time slipped by very quickly and our children have few memories of championships or All Star teams. Instead, they just have a love of the game, an appreciation for sportsmanship and competition, and fond memories of time spent with Dad."

He ended his letter to the parents with some advice: "Please relax and enjoy this time in your child’s life. It will pass quickly..."

That’s something I've tried to keep in mind every season as Team Sena scurries around the house, grabbing cleats, equipment and water bottles, and then heading off to yet another game, yelling to each other “Did someone feed the dog?” “Do you have your baseball cap?” “Are the stadium seats in the trunk?” as we rush out the door.

Between practice and games (on top of homework and all the regular stuff that keeps a mom churning until 11:00 most nights), my time certainly isn't my own during baseball season. But I'm acutely aware that that’s not a permanent state of affairs. So I'm trying to appreciate each crack of the bat just a bit more than I probably did when the end wasn’t so clearly in sight (or, let’s face it, when my turn for snack-stand duty rolled around).

Because in the not-too-distant future, I'll have to be satisfied with flipping through scrapbooks and watching home videos showing a bunch of wound-up, grass-stained, sunflower-seed-filled boys in a dugout, yelling "LET'S GO SEN-A!"

I hope Matt has wonderful memories of these years. I know his dad and I will. The knowledge that nothing lasts forever — in Little League or in life — sometimes makes my heart ache as a parent. But it also makes every snack-stand hot dog, every scramble to first base, every glance up at the stands to grin at Mom and Dad after a good play, just that much more delicious.

Gas Prices Got You Down? Vacation at Home

Wondering how high airline ticket prices will go as you're planning that family vacation? Thinking that a driving trip will break the bank?

There's another option. Check out my article, "Vacationing at Home," over at littlerockfamily.com. You'll find lots of tips for making family memories right in your own backyard. (And I promise, this doesn't involve mom doing any dishes! I mean, there are limits, right?)

Of course, vacationing at home still means VACATIONING. I highly recommend going out for yummy breakfasts at every opportunity... And for the price of a tank of gas these days, you can buy a lot of banana pancakes with whipped cream!

"Mommying Your Husband" Hits a Nerve

I was jazzed to see that my post yesterday, about a CNN.com article on "mommying your husband" is now #12 on the Hot List over at Cafemom.com. (See the Cafe Mom post and comments here.) The women commenting over there are talking about everything from making their husband's lunch to setting out his vitamins to making all his appointments.

But I really like Jen Singer's comments on yesterday's post here:

"Okay, that's insane. And it's ruining it for the rest of us. About 15 years ago, my husband wore too-casual shoes to a wedding. When his sister and her friends discovered he'd underdressed for the event, they blamed ME. Huh? He's a grown man. I don't dress him like a Ken doll to take him out."

Do You Mommy Your Husband?

We women are used to mommying our kids. Making sure they eat right, lovingly (most of the time) nagging them to do their homework, packing little love notes in their school lunches.

But do you mommy your husband? I loved this article on CNN.com about women who cater to their husbands' every need, from washing his back in the shower to cutting up his meat! (OK, that last one is just too weird.)

Randy and I joke that we "go with our strengths" in our marriage. He answers questions when Matt needs help with his pre-algebra homework. I do most of the phone calling, from RSVPing for invitations to calling a plumber for an overflowing toilet.

So I definitely do take some of Randy's least-favorite to-do items off his plate. But mommy him? I don't think so. (Gosh, if I ever cut up his meat he'd have me committed...)

Check out the article here. Then let us know if you're mommying YOUR husband.

Are You Taking The Bait?

Today we're featuring a terrific guest post from family therapist Corey Allan, Ph.D. who blogs over at The Simple Marriage Project. Corey and his wife, who celebrated their 15th anniversary this month, have a 3-year-old daughter and a 1-year-old son. (And a cool dog named Otis — see below.) Thanks for sharing this with us, Corey!

Spend any time with a parent, and you are bound to hear tales of his or her children's escapades. Stories about when they said the most inappropriate thing at the most inopportune time, when they continue to test the boundaries and rules, or when they've thrown a tantrum at Target. It's enough to drive almost anyone crazy. Take comfort in knowing that you're not alone.

Parents worldwide have gone through or are currently in the midst of the storm as well. Take advantage of the times when you can swap stories with other parents in the trenches. It can be hilarious, enlightening — and you may walk away from the conversation thankful for your children's "tame" behavior.

Have you ever stopped to contemplate your role in your child's behaviors? Could it be that they feed off you? I believe the answer is yes.

Applying this thought to parenting is the way to begin to gain control over your child's behaviors. And the most effective way to do this is to get a better handle on your own emotional reactivity.

Let me explain. You come in after a long day and your child is in a bad mood due to a run-in he had with his teacher at school. You are already predisposed to reacting badly to any negative behaviors due to your tough day, and your child decides this is the best time to inform you that he did not do any of the chores you assigned him for the week. He even goes so far as to add a few colorful descriptions to his replies.

Do you take the bait and jump all over his disrespectful attitude? If you do, you've allowed him to change the topic of conversation, which was his incomplete chores. It's easy to react when our buttons get pushed, but it is also the way they kids the subject. And they only get more expert at this skill as they grow older.

When it comes to arguments with another person, especially children and teenagers, the rule is this: Whoever controls the mood and the direction of the argument will win the argument.

My belief is that if, as a parent, you get into an argument with your child, they've already won. While they may not have changed the responsibility or the consequence, the fact that you had to argue about it keeps the "power" in their court. They controlled you by pushing your emotional buttons. When our emotions get the best of us in conversations, most people either over-react or shut down completely — leaving a possible wake of damage behind.

To take charge of your child's behaviors, learn to react less emotionally to their instigations. It will change the dynamic between you and leave them wondering what to do next. After you have learned to react less, you are then more capable of creating an appropriate consequence for the behavior.

As a parent, you're not raising puppies. You don't have to catch your child in the act. Take some time to contemplate an appropriate consequence. Confer with your spouse. Search the Internet. Then get back with your child and calmly inform them of the consequences of their actions.

Do this consistently and over time, you will be in charge of the playing field in which your children reside. There will also be far less damage repair needed after the emotional upheavals.

Incidentally, the principles of being less emotionally reactive work with spouses as well.

High School Confidential

I thought I was the only mom on the planet who ever feels that motherhood is a lot like high school. Turns out I'm not alone.

My buddy Cynthia over at Sugar Mama says the only difference is that now you can't run to your room after school on particularly bad days. "You have to live in your own mistakes, fears, bad haircuts, every second of every day and learn to love it," she adds.

Humor definitely helps — and Sugar Mama has that in spades. And some days, you receive support from someone out of the blue that means so much. Click on the link above to hear the rest of the story.

Cast Away the Clutter!

I love my husband dearly, but I have to admit that we have certain subjects where we don’t see eye to eye. The storage room off the garage, for example. I’ve (almost) stopped nagging him about the fact that it should be condemned and I’ve (almost) resigned myself to just not opening the door.

I want to take an entire Saturday and tackle this monster. Randy takes one look and wants to immediately grab the T.V. remote. But there’s middle ground here — and hope — according to the organizing experts I consulted. Like the old advice about eating an elephant, you just have to do these things one bite at a time.

Start with small, well-defined tasks and don’t get sidetracked, suggests Kim Taylor, owner of The 25th Hour in Manhattan Beach, California. If it's a closet, just organize the closet, not the entire room. If it's catching up on phone calls, make them all at once — and don’t start filing recipes or rearranging furniture half-way through the task. (OK, so Randy and I can start by clearing the old paint cans out of the metal cabinet in the storage room and taking them to the hazardous-waste drop-off station. Baby steps…)

Here are some terrific resources to help us tackle that stack of mail on the dining-room table, that pile of outgrown clothes in our kids’ closets — and even a storage room filled with who-the-heck-knows-what:

°    At flylady.net, professional organizer Marla Cilley knows what it’s like to suffer from CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome). She’ll take you —  with her own brand of homespun humor — through the process of organizing and cleaning your home. She also has some fun organizing tools, including her book, Sink Reflections (Bantam; $14.95 plus shipping), available on her site.

°    Visit getorganizednow.com for great tips and to subscribe to professional organizer Maria Gracia’s free e-mail newsletter. (I save her newsletters in an e-mail folder for quick reference. Her holiday tips alone will make your life easier.) Gracia’s monthly checklists will help you stay on top of seasonal tasks around the house, such as putting up storm windows, cleaning gutters and getting the family car ready for hot- or cold-weather driving. Her book, Finally Organized, Finally Free For The Home, is available in print ($24.95 + shipping) or in a digital PDF version ($19.95) at the website.

°    The National Association of Professional Organizers can help you locate an organizer in your area. Just enter your ZIP code here.

Check out these other great tips from Gracia, Cilley, Taylor and Jeannie VandeWeg, a professional organizer and owner of All Squared Away Organizing in Sebastopol, California:

°    Stop keeping things “just in case.” Do you really need all those hair clips and those old issues of Newsweek? With the exception of certain seasonal or formal clothing, seasonal sports equipment, etc., if you haven't used it in a year, you probably don't need it.   

°    Double up. Double-hanging closet rods quickly expand the available space for young children’s smaller clothes — and make them more reachable. Add hanging baskets and boxes for socks, hair accessories, etc. Clear, plastic hanging shoe holders are great for holding accessories.

°    Grab your label maker. Large plastic containers with multiple pull-out drawers are inexpensive and great for storing loads of small toys and doo-dads. For younger kids, attach photos of dolls, Legos, etc. to the drawers to show where items belong.

°    Create a “wall-of-fame” bulletin board for kids’ artwork and stories. Every week, add new artwork and store favorite older pieces in a notebook with sheet protectors. Send the rest to family and friends. Kids can help address the envelopes. A fun added touch: Current offers kid-friendly address labels at great prices: www.currentlabels.com.

°    Designate a “morning-launch-pad” spot. Here’s where everyone places backpacks, keys, cell phones, DVDs to be returned, gym bag, outgoing mail, etc. It can be a large basket by the front door, a bench with a cubbyhole for each family member, etc.

°    Create an emergency station. The utility closet is a great place to store flashlights, candles, matches, batteries and a fire extinguisher. Keep the smaller supplies in a covered box and mount the fire extinguisher on the wall.

°    Too many toys? At the start of each new season, rotate younger children’s toys to keep them fresh and interesting. Donate gently used clothes and toys to a donation center or children’s shelter. Let your child help choose the items and help deliver them.

°    Create “kid-paper central.” Purchase a magnetic, vertical file holder with a section for each child. Attach it to the fridge and remind kids to put all school papers in their file each day. If space permits, different-colored 9-x-12-inch “in” baskets on the kitchen counter work well, too. In the summer, use the files for notices from camp, swim team or other kids’ programs.

°    Make bathroom sharing easier. Assign a favorite color for each child, and use colored baskets to separate combs, brushes, etc. This system works with everything from toothbrushes to towels.

°    Reduce morning bathroom traffic. Stagger wake-up and/or shower times and set up a separate area (with a small vanity table, mirror, etc.) in the bedroom for styling hair and applying make-up.

°    Color-code the family calendar. Choose a calendar with big squares and place it in a busy family area, like the kitchen. Attach different-colored pens (one color for each family member) with string or dental floss. Each person can see their activities at a glance — and the family carpool organizer can see what each day’s schedule holds.

°    Save the date. Stash birthday-party invitations, tickets for the school play and other date-related items in a tickler file by date or in a wall calendar containing a pocket for each month.

°    Switch to online bill paying. Many banks now offer this service at no extra charge. You’ll save time, postage and headaches. And at tax time, you can print out a record of all deductible expenses. (We’ve been doing this for two years now, and I’ll never go back!)

°    Purge old files. Sorting through just 10 files per day makes this task manageable. Shred and recycle unneeded items. And don’t forget computer files. Just 15 minutes spent purging old computer files frees up valuable hard-drive space.

°    Invite the “house fairy” into your home. This most-welcome guest leaves little thank-you notes for kids for a job well done and leaves behind everything from stickers or small treats (for younger kids) to notes telling older kids they’ve earned a movie rental or a music download. (Spouses like to be visited by the house fairy, too...)

°    Create family rewards. After spending the afternoon cleaning the garage, organizing closets or collecting toys for donation, your team deserves a reward. Take everyone for ice cream or rent a movie and snuggle on the couch. Don’t forget the popcorn!