Parent Talk Today

Help Your Child Create Her Best Life

I've been getting too little sleep lately because I've been reading a book that's hard to put down: Creating Your Best Life by Caroline Adams Miller, MAPP and Dr. Michael B. Frisch. The book is based on the latest scientific research into happiness and the role life lists play in helping us reach our goals.

The book helps you make a list of the most appropriate and beneficial goals in your life. But it's much more than a to-do-list prompt. It talks about what really constitutes happiness, and it doesn't sugarcoat the fact that reaching big life goals requires willpower, risk, paying attention to the company you keep and also a word we don't hear much these days: grit.

It has helped me in talking with my son about what he wants from life and how he plans to work to achieve his goals. (In other words, it really DOES matter what study habits he develops now, whether he hangs with kids who share his values, how he respects his body and  takes care of his health... All that stuff parents worry about.)

When I picked up this book, I wasn't thinking of it as a parenting book. But it's not only helpful regarding how I look at my own life. It's making me a better mom, too. Check it out.

Are You Second-Guessing Yourself as a Parent?

I'm so jazzed that author Jen Singer is stopping by Parent Talk Today as part of her blog tour for her new book Stop Second-Guessing Yourself — The Toddler Years: A Field-Tested Guide to Confident Parenting.

Jen is a hoot — and one smart cookie when it comes to knowing when to stress out as a mom and when to chill. I know you'll enjoy this Q&A with one of my favorite parenting authors:

Q. What’s the hardest part about transitioning from babyhood to toddlerhood?

A. Mobility and your toddler’s increasingly strong urge to ditch Mommy and go check out that butterfly/puddle/cupcake/dog/etc. It’s a never-ending effort to balance your child’s curiosity and learning with safety and the attempt to get places on time – and without a temper tantrum. In short, the toddler years are a lot like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride: harrowing, yet often amusing, and always full of surprises.

Q. What’s the biggest mistake that parents of toddlers make?

 A. Attempting to get through Target at naptime is one of them. Not expecting the unexpected is another. After I found myself at a Halloween party attempting to change one toddler’s diaper, even though he was in a dragon costume without snaps, while monitoring another toddler who was reaching for a plate full of cupcakes half a room away, I learned to lower my expectations. Toddlerhood was still a crazy, exhausting time for me, but at least I knew it should be.

Q. What do moms say is the most difficult part of parenting toddlers?

A. Potty training is the most labor-intensive milestone of toddlerhood, by far. You have to be involved and entertaining and helpful without pushing your toddler into total disinterest in potty training. It’s part science, part art and all up to your toddler, no matter how hard you work. Knowing how to walk the fine line between using rewards and encouragement and letting your toddler take the lead is the key to successful potty training. That, and a whole lot of patience.

Q. How can you run a playdate or playgroup without all the mama drama?

 A. If you’re hosting a playdate or a playgroup, understand that, like it or not, your mothering skills are on display for all the other moms, and vice versa. But you can nip the urge to compete in a mothering competition with a few simple tips, including: 

1. Hide your toddler’s favorite toy. That way you’ll avoid a tug-of-war (and its ensuing meltdown and your apology).

2. Don’t rush in to referee. Toddlers have amazingly short-term memories. If you wait just a little longer than you’d like to, one toddler just might find another shiny new toy and forget what she was in a tizzy about in the first place.

3. Keep it short. An hour or two is long enough before everyone starts to get cranky (moms included).

Q. How can you run errands with a squirmy, active toddler in tow?

A. Remember that timing is everything. Think about it from your toddler’s perspective: It’s hard enough not having any say in what you do or where you go, but getting dragged to the furniture store at 9:00 p.m. on Friday night? Also, front-load the most important stops in case you have to cut your outing short due to crankiness.

Q. What do moms need to know about keeping their toddlers safe?

A. Our generation of mothers has taken safety preparation to all new levels, though not all of it is necessary or even useful – like the toilet latch my toddlers broke into like Houdini. I’m a fan of safety gates, particularly at the top of stairs, and of moving your breakables and anything smaller than your elbow (a.k.a. choking hazards) out of reach throughout toddlerhood.

Q.  How do you keep your toddler entertained?

A. The first step is to realize that you are not your toddler’s entertainment director. If you feel guilty for folding laundry because you’re not entertaining your toddler, something’s wrong. (I know. I’ve been there.) The sooner you teach your child to entertain herself, the better it is for her – and you – down the road. One of my favorite ways to get a toddler to entertain herself is to lay out the Tupperware on the kitchen floor and put her in the middle of it. Sure, it requires some cleaning later on, but it’s worth it if you’re able to get something done – or even to sit down for a while.

Q. How do you handle the Terrible Two’s?

A. Here’s a secret: Sometimes Terrible Two’s starts before age two. Sometimes, it hits at four and sometimes not at all. In general, toddlers are an unpredictable lot. They can go from sweet to sour (and super-cranky) in no time flat. The key is to predict and diffuse. If, for instance, you know your toddler is going to have a canary because his cousin just touched his favorite Elmo doll, swoop in and distract him with something better, like a new and, therefore, more attractive toy, a snack, or when all else fails—dare I say—a video.

Q. What are some of the “Milestones You Don’t Want to Share with Grandma”?

A. These are the things nobody told you about – and you probably don’t want to tell anyone about. Some of the most typical include: Opens, Closes, Locks, and Unlocks Doors; Stuffs Things up Noses and Into Ears; and Toilet Games, where the commode doubles as a boat landing or toy flusher. Take heart: These are common, and you can handle them, once you learn how. I cover these and five others and what to do about them in the book. One tip: Keep a key to the house and your cell phone in your pocket or a key hidden outside in case your toddler decides to try the lock when you step outside for a minute.

Q. If you could give mothers of toddlers one bit of advice, what would it be?

A. Don’t assume they can’t reach the middle of the kitchen table.

A Young Man With Down Syndrome Invites Readers Into His World

Bryan Lambke, a young man with Down syndrome, is the son of Tom and Karen Lambke. An avid sports enthusiast, Bryan was just eight years old when he competed for the first time in the track and field events of the Illinois Special Olympics.

Fourteen years later, Bryan stood atop the winner's platform at the 2003 International Special Olympics in Dublin, Ireland.

Today Bryan holds two jobs in the Phoenix area. He sorts X-rays at the Center for Rehabilitation and works as a meeter-greeter at the Chandler AMF Bowling Center. He loves bowling, swimming and basketball.

Bryan and his dad have teamed up to write a simply wonderful book, I Just Am. In the book, Bryan invites readers into his world, where he lets them know what his life is like — and just how similar it is to theirs. "I have a disability," says Bryan. "It's not my fault. I just am."

Bryan shows us his occasionally messy bedroom, his cat and dog, and his jobs. He lets us know that he has girlfriends, he's an Aerosmith fan and he loves pizza. (Hates veggies, too — something most parents are familiar with.) Bryan went to his prom. He has lots of friends and he loves to go to the beach.

"I have parents I love. I love life," he says. "Can't you just come up to me and say 'Hey, how is your day?'"

Spilling the Beans: These Moms Dish About What Motherhood is REALLY Like

What do you know now that you wish you knew before becoming a parent? Thirty one moms (and one dad) tell all in a wonderful new book, The Mothering Heights Manual for Motherhood.

This collection of essays is edited by Christine Fugate, who began writing her syndicated column, "Mothering Heights," after marrying and having two kids within a 20-month period. (Just reading that sentence makes me want to take a nap. How does she do all that AND write a column AND edit a book?)

The essays are honest, and many are a hoot. My favorite is a piece by Cynthia Jenkins (AKA "Sugar Mama") called "Fertilizer." (Named for the description someone gave for the taste of her her meatloaf, thank you very much.) She talks about how she had assumed she'd tackle motherhood just like her own mom did, right down to wearing big earrings and jingly bracelets. (The bracelets drove her crazy almost immediately. Who can chase kids wearing those things? OK, other than Cynthia's mom.)

Turns out each mom has to find her own image, her own meatloaf recipe — and her own recipe for happy mothering. Reading these essays (a bit at a time before passing out each night after long days of working, running to baseball games, supervising homework and watching "Mary Poppins" play rehearsals), I realized that we moms really are all in this together. And reading about other moms' experiences can not only give us a good chuckle — it lets us know we're not alone when the meatloaf's awful, the baby's screaming and the disposal just started spewing something funny-smelling.  

Blog Tour Stop: The Baby Bonding Book for Dads

When I first picked up a copy of The Baby Bonding Book for Dads, by James di Properzio and Jennifer Margulis, I have to admit that I expected it to be one of those Hallmark Father's Day gift books filled with gorgeous photos and not much substance.

Happily, I was wrong. And that makes me especially happy to be hosting a stop on di Properzio and Margulis' blog tour today.

You have to love a book for new dads that tell it like it is: "Unless your wife had a C-section, your new baby probably looks weird. He may be all scrunched up with a cone head like Bart Simpson, odd-looking skin that's been out of the sun and in amniotic fluid for nine months, and eyes that cross or look unfocused..." Hey, so much for the Hallmark-card text, huh?

And I love the diaper-changing advice: "It's a good idea to talk to the baby and distract her so she doesn't fuss," the authors advise. "Talk about your day, the Red Sox, or tell her how much better she'll feel once she's clean. Or, if things get particularly funky, sing 'She's a very stinky girl,' to the tune of 'She's a very kinky girl."

You have to love a baby book for dads that quotes a Rick James song. And check out these amazing photos...

"My Mommy's Having a Boob Job!"

Just not sure how to explain to your child that "Mommy's going to get breast implants"? There's one Florida plastic surgeon who'd like to help.

Michael Salzhauer, M.D., has written a new book for kids ages four to seven: My Beautiful Mommy. He describes the book as "a must-have for any mother with young children considering plastic surgery."

The cover alone makes quite a statement. There's nothing like seeing a little girl, teddy bear in hand, expressing delight over her newly transformed mommy, who now resembles a sexed-up Disney princess, complete with belly top and surrounded by magical sparkles.

Now that's something every little girl should aspire to.

As Newsweek reports: [The book] features a plastic surgeon named Dr. Michael (a musclebound superhero type) and a girl whose mother gets a tummy tuck, a nose job and breast implants. Before her surgery the mom explains that she is getting a smaller tummy: "You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn't fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to help fix that and make me feel better." Mom comes home looking like a slightly bruised Barbie doll with demure bandages on her nose and around her waist... The book doesn't explain exactly why the mother is redoing her nose post-pregnancy. Nonetheless, Mom reassures her little girl that the new nose won't just look "different, my dear — prettier!"

What about the body issues raised here? Will our Ms. Perky Boobs' 6-year-old daughter start worrying that her nose — or stomach, or whatever — isn't good enough? Will she worry that her breasts — still years away from even making the scene — won't measure up?

Here's my alternative book suggestion: I'm Gonna Like Me — Letting Off a Little Self Esteem (HarperCollins; 2002), by Jamie Lee Curtis and Laura Cornell. It's written for ages four to eight. "Self-esteem is at the core of what is wrong with us and what is right with us," says Curtis. "It’s an absolutely universal issue. I’m Gonna Like Me allows children to explore their own feelings of self-worth."

And you gotta love a first line like "I'm gonna like me when I jump out of bed, from my giant big toe to the braids on my head."

After all, isn't that the message we really want to share with our kids?

P.S. I have to say, Dr. Michael has a killer P.R. person working for him. This book seems to be on the desk of every parenting editor I've spoken with this week. And they all seem to think it's pretty pathetic. Even perezhilton.com got in on the book-review act. Check it out here.

P.S. Oh, by the way... If you click on the link to Dr. Michael's website, you'll get a pop-up "live chat" box, where a "patient coordinator" will ask what surgical procedure you're interested in. I used that as an opportunity to briefly share my thoughts on the book...

Knock Yourself Up (No Man? No Problem!)

As a book reviewer, I've had fun carrying this hot (shocking pink!) little number around town with me this week, reading a few pages during my son's piano lesson, taking it along for a solo lunch at a favorite little Mexican restaurant — and never knowing who might see the cover and wonder...

Of course, like the just-too-funny promos for the new movie "Baby Mama" (about a woman who enlists the help of a surrogate), which opens today, the title Knock Yourself Up (Avery), by Louise Sloan, is meant to be an attention grabber.

But once I cracked the cover, I found solid information and lots of real stories about single women over 30 who are trying to make the right decision on this life-altering issue by doing a lot of research, doing a lot of soul searching and enlisting the support of family and friends. Sloan shares her (touching and often really funny) experiences and those of many others who've decided not to let being single stand in the way of becoming a mom. 

Got questions? The book answers these and a lot more: When do I decide it's time to go it alone? How do I choose the right sperm? Is this fair to the kid? Can I afford to do it? How do I tell my parents? How do I tell my dates? Have I gone totally crazy? Will I ever have sex — or a life — again?

For those who want to discuss these juicy questions with their book club, there's a guide with discussion questions. For even more info, stop by knockyourselfup.com.

While I had a man involved when I got pregnant, I can't say Randy and I exactly did it the old-fashioned way. Having gone through in vitro fertilization, I could relate quite a bit to the tales of hormone injections, blood tests and waaay too many doctor appointments involving transvaginal ultrasound and stirrups. Trust me, nobody goes through all this stuff on a lark.

As "Baby Mama," Knock Yourself Up and my own IFV experience will attest, there are lots of ways to bring a baby into the world these days. But one thing remains, and you can surely can see it in this melt-your-heart picture of Sloan and her son, Scott: Women are making these decisions based primarily on something that mothers have had in common through the ages: love.

Welcome Jen Singer! (And Yes, She's a Good Mom)

Today we're pleased to chat with Jen Singer, author of You’re a Good Mom…And Your Kids Aren’t So Bad Either: 14 Secrets for Finding Happiness Between Super Mom and Slacker Mom.

For 21st Century mothers, there often seem to be just two choices: Super Mom or Slacker Mom. One’s bad for you; one’s bad for your kids. So what’s a mom to do? Singer offers secrets for raise perfectly good kids in that sweet spot between flash cards at breakfast and “donuts for dinner, kids!” The book is available on Amazon and at bookstores everywhere.

Thanks for making Parent Talk Today a stop on your blog tour, Jen! Now on to our Q&A:

Q.    How did motherhood get to be so competitive?

Jen Singer: It started with the very first Baby on Board sticker, most likely stuck on a 1985 Volvo. Since then, our society went child centric – and a little crazy, too. We’ve raised the motherhood bar so impossibly high, we can’t reach it. We drive our kids to not one, not two, but three activities and sports in a week – sometimes in a day. We use flash cards at stop lights and play music for our kids in utero. (Have you ever tried to listen to music underwater? It sounds all wrong.)

Q. That’s why we all feel like slacker moms, right? We can’t keep up.

Jen: And then we give up, and eventually, we’re serving donuts for dinner and letting our kids watch Desperate Housewives, because it’s easier than sending them to bed. But that’s bad for our kids, and trying to be a Super Mom is bad for us. There’s a sweet spot in between where you can raise good kids without losing yourself.

Q. So how can moms find that in between spot?

Jen: The first secret to finding happiness in 21st century motherhood is to realize that Super Mom is faking it and Slacker Mom isn’t as cool as she appears to be. The town über mom probably only gets to put her feet up at the gynecologist’s office. The rest of the time, she’s frantically trying to make perfect kids in her perfect house. She’s exhausted and her kids are, too.

The cool mom, on the other hand, has no idea what her kids are up to while she sucks down Diet Cokes and watches like-minded women on Moment of Truth. And now that there are web sites where kids as young as eight can build a virtual bimbo, breast implants and all, that’s pretty darn scary.

Q. But what if you want to do right by your kids? Don’t you have to sign them up for lots of activities just to keep up with everyone else?

Jen: Here’s one of my tips: Don’t be a frequent flyer. In other words, you don’t have to fill out all those flyers for karate and drama camp and math enrichment just because they come home with your kids. Pick one or two activities that your children are excited about, and sign up for those. And – I know this one is hard in the age of travel sports – let your kids play one sport per season, especially if they’re under 10. It’ll be easier on them and on the mileage of your mini-van.

Q. What if all the other moms are doing it?

Jen: Be a rebel mom. I know it’s hard to be the only mother who puts her foot down and doesn’t let her kid watch The Simpsons or play Halo. These days, it’s also much harder to shield our kids from age inappropriate media because there’s so much of it out there. But it pains me that even second graders watch CSI, which has gruesome crime scenes that even make grown-ups like me flinch. It’s more work to be your kids’ filter nowadays, but it’s also more important than ever to protect them from things they’re not ready for because there’s so much of it out there.

Q. Do you think the Internet helps or hinders today’s moms?

Jen: One of the best things for modern motherhood is the Internet. Also, one of the worst things for modern motherhood is the Internet. On the one hand, we can find blogs and web sites like this one that give us a sense of community, answer our parenting questions and even make us laugh. But we can also innocently look up the rash our kid has and wind up convincing ourselves that it’s a flesh-eating parasite from the Amazon, when we haven’t even gone hiking in a park, let alone in the jungle. Google wisely.

Q. What one tip would you give moms who are trying to find happiness?

Jen: Use triage. Pick out only those things that are truly important to you and your family, and aim for those. Take volunteering jobs that allow you to see your kids, like being a Cub Scouts den leader or escorting on the class trip. Build in playtime to your calendar – for the kids and for you. Move the computer into the family room so you can see what your kids are doing online. Then let everything that’s less important go. Really, do you have to bake cupcakes for your child’s birthday celebration at school when the bakery will do that for you?

Q. Do you think you’re a good mom?

Jen: It depends on the day! When my kids were toddlers, I used to feel guilty for folding laundry instead of entertaining them, even though I was spending upwards of 100 hours a week with them as a full-time at-home mom. I thought I had to constantly create teachable moments in order to prepare them for the future. But I really needed to teach them independence and self sufficiency. I’m not going to be there to help them pick out lunch or manage homework at college, after all. A good mom gets her kids ready for life on their own – and prepares herself for life without her kids.

Join Us Friday When The "You're a Good Mom" Blog Tour Stops Here!

For 21st Century mothers, there seem to be just two choices: Live up to the Super Mom or give up to be the Slacker Mom. One's bad for you; one's bad for your kids. So what's a momma to do?

In You're a Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren't So Bad Either): The 14 Secrets to Finding Happiness Between Super Mom and Slacker Mom," the Internet's favorite momma, Jen Singer, tells all. Turns out you can raise perfectly good kids in that sweet spot between flash cards at breakfast and "donuts for dinner, kids!" You'll find great tips like these:

• Don't answer the phone when the class mom calls.
• Your kid's birthday party isn't your coming-out celebration.
• Don't treat fine restaurants like a McDonald's PlayPlace.
• You think you're a "cool mom," but they think you're a pushover.

Filled with "that happened to me, too!" stories, YOU'RE A GOOD MOM offers giggles and a pat on the back for today's moms, whether they're deep in diapers or petrified by puberty.

Join us Friday for a great Q & A with author Jen Singer as she stops by Parent Talk Today on her blog tour!

And check out this terrific You Tube video preview:

All Hail The Anti-Princess Reading List!

For little girls, Cinderella and Snow White may be the ultimate storybook characters. And these princesses certainly have their place in a child's world — up to a point.

For parents who want their daughters to grow up looking for a bit more from life than a prince to rescue them, there's the "Anti-Princess Reading List" (click on it under "browse by category") over at a wonderful website I just discovered: mommytrackd.com.

Just looking at the titles brought me back to some of the heroines I loved as a girl: Nancy Drew, Pippi Longstocking, Harriet the Spy. These gals solve crimes, wear what they please (and it rarely includes taffeta), and have marvelous adventures.

I'm not suggesting an all-or-nothing approach here. After all, who says a kid can't wear her Princess Jasmine costume while reading a story about a girl taking first place at the school science fair?